A traumatic day

Hello everyone, so it's a different tone today. I am using this to tell you about a very traumatising day in my life, which happened when I was in secondary school, infact most of the terrible times came from that point in my life as probably with many people's lives.

I go to an open mind therapy group every now and then, I particularly needed it recently and one of the things I talk about to my therapists is times in my adolescence that really sealed the deal in who I became, and not in a positive manner. So here I am with my heart on my sleeve, ready to tell you all about a day in my life that was just awful for me, thinking I can be open with you lot and hopefully it can help you come to terms with things in your life and maybe help you open up to the people who love you.

This event I am referring to occurred in I believe it was Year 7 or Year 8, so I was about 13 or 14 and when you are at that age, you socialise with the popular kids because you always think that's the best idea. Not relevant to the story but this group of girls I hung around with, only saw me as a butt to a joke, I wasn't to know this at the time but eventually worked it out. No matter, but the group of girls were the ones I was with at that moment before it all went to shit.

So picture this, I was leaning against a wall whilst these girls were doing what I can recall was gymnastic practice or possibly even cheerleading related, and I seem to remember I was pondering and deep in thought, can't recall for the life of me what I was thinking about. That's irrelevant though, what is very much not irrelevant was that I was off guard and not ready for an ambush, this group of girls (not the same group that I was originally with) walk up to me, led by a large girl wearing a tracksuit - who looked like she would un-ironically use 'cause' as an answer to a question beginning with why - with quite the number of minions following her.

What ends up happening is she says quite loudly to me, "What are ya doing standing there? You're freaking me out?" and I am a bit overwhelmed at this point because I am surrounded. I'm amazed that this bitch had the audacity to question me just standing there, not bothering anyone and saying she was freaked out by it.. so I stumbled with my words, trying my utmost to be intelligible but failing miserably whilst still processing what she said to me.

So after my blubbering nonsensical noises, I finally am able to say something honestly quite weak, "Is it any of your business?" because that's a great comeback isn't it? By that point, this tracksuit wearing sizeable person had taken a large swig of the drink she had, and proceeded to point to her face whilst the liquid was still in her mouth and make a noise, as if to insinuate that I was being disrespectful because I had not spoken to her whilst she had the power to speak back. A calculated move on her part, though if I had spoken whilst she still could, she probably would have spoken over me deliberately.

On top of her doing this, one of her minion girl friends begins mocking me for the way I talk, doing the high pitch "meh meh meh", you get the idea. At this point, I walk away because it's so fucking blatantly obvious to your parents or teachers that the whole "just ignore them and be the bigger person" shit works, it works so brilliantly! You sense the sarcasm in there? If you didn't, and if you haven't figured it out yet, I am being sarcastic in that sentence.

The second I turn to walk away, they begin to pour salt in the wound. Mocking me as I tried to get out of this situation, saying the typical mockery bullshit like "Awhh, you going to tell the teacher? Going to go cry?", oh and it didn't help that I had developed a reputation throughout the school for being a teacher's pet, one thing I never wanted to be but oh well. Anyway, I am about to walk out of there and without a moment to exhale, this guy I know pops around the corner.

For context, I have no idea why but this guy would very infrequently pass me on school grounds and call me a psycho, and I couldn't fight this. In this instance after just being intimidated by this group of girls, the last thing I needed was another reason to get worked up, and I was already trying to escape, and I was about to implode. My world was caving in, I was feeling so alone and powerless in these moments, I had nobody to run to, which is why what followed was what made the situation what it is.

I was trying to remove myself from all possible social interaction, doing my utmost to hold back tears when I heard someone ask me if I was okay. This being one of the girls that I was with earlier, and I couldn't tell if she was being funny with me or not but I did react badly, since I was so on edge and ready to explode, I snapped at her saying "What do you want?". That's when the straw that broke the camels back happened, and I see this girl walk up to me who I had never seen before but was with the girl who asked me if I was okay, and she says the following.

"Who do you think you're talking to with that ugly gap between your teeth?".

Yes. This was said. I have never been self conscious about my tooth gap, not now and not back then, but this moment in my life, I have been told to run and ignore whatever is hurled my way, being told that I should just not give a shit what everyone has to say. You'll be out of school in a few years, leading a very successful life whilst they are at home claiming benefits and taking drugs, come on kid it's wrong to care about what other people think of you!

In this moment of uncontrollable anger, in this moment of fear, of rage, of that feeling of powerlessness, I did something which would seal my fate as being one angry, closed off emotionally, fearful, wreck of a person. I gave this girl who said I had an ugly gap between my front teeth, one mighty swing of my foot into her leg, which apparently left one major bruise. All I can recall from this moment was I shouted something whilst trying to fight off major tears, whilst she turned to look back at who she was with and put her hand over her mouth.

A lot of what happened afterwards is a very fuzzy time, all I can muster up in memory may not have even happened but all I felt was whilst I was walking back, everyone was looking at me. I may as well have been Cersei Lannister and had someone behind me chanting 'shame', I felt the prying eyes of judgement almost firing lasers at my neck, hanging my head because I couldn't bare to look anyone in the eye.

What I do remember clear as day, I had P.E. after lunch break which was when this happened, and my class are all sat in a line and my support assistant who I am not going to name, comes up to me and gives me that same glare that I felt was happening when walking back into the school. Now just so you all know, I am well aware both now and at the time that kicking that girl was not right, but it was never a case of I just wanted to kick her. It was a butterfly effect of shit piled on top of more shit, that led to me crumbling, so it wasn't just a case of "I want to hurt someone for no reason".

The thing that really put the sourest sting to it was when my support assistant confronted me, her exact words when I told her about what this girl had said were "Well there's evidence to what you did whereas there is none of what you claim", or something along those lines. All she ever had to do was know me, that I don't just do what I did do because of an inherent desire to hurt people.

What I needed was someone to understand me, I may have been a stubborn little shit but I would have looked back on that, accepting responsibility for kicking this girl. But instead I was greeted with major backlash from the person I should have been depending on, I felt like the enemy, and that was the day I started bottling it all up.

Every day since then and to this day, it hurts. It hurts knowing I tried to get away from it all, I kept getting poked with a stick and when I reacted, I was shamed for it. I admit wrongdoing looking back but I don't blame myself, I wish it didn't happen but that's different from regret, and I don't regret it because I tried to get my voice out. I tried to shout with what I had and was so quickly losing everything I had in that moment, I was being shamed for running, I was being shamed for crying, I was being shamed for reacting, could I ever win?

I'm 21 now, and this day lives on as one of the worst days of my life. The day I broke, the day it all went to shit and I would forever remain as one angry, anxious and resenting piece of shit. I clench my fists when cars go past me or I walk past a stranger on the street because I fear for what they will end up doing, which isn't an unfounded fear as I am constantly being harassed by twats who feel it's a good idea to startle me then race off.

I play out scenarios in my head, hypothetical or past confrontations and I tense up, running these events in my mind. This has had a profound effect on me, and no amount of how well off I have it in my life will ever change what I have become, a loathing mess.

I'm writing this mostly because I want to open up, and I want to encourage everyone else to open up if something has been bothering them. I want to show this to my closest friends directly, and anyone else who sees this, the people you have in your life will accept anything that is making you hold your breath.

Hopefully I have helped someone by opening up here, because I do want to move past this and I know fine well that I have it really good in my life and so many people have it worse. But whatever you are all going through, I can't express enough that you are well within your right to react and you shouldn't be ashamed if your world is caving in and you can't hold yourself. Don't ever feel ashamed for doing some regrettable shit, you can wish things didn't happen but nobody is in their right to hold it against you.

I have lived my life closed away, I still find it difficult to be completely comfortable around so many people because of this day and so many other days. But I will continue to move forward, I am blessed to have the most supportive and loving people in my life who will help me as I will help them in return.

Don't bottle it all up, never let anyone in your life tell you that you're wrong, that you are evil for stumbling, for losing your way, it doesn't mean you are lost forever. Sometimes, all we need is a little help.

Thank you so much for reading, take care everyone.

Luca.