Change - From an autistic person

Hello you, the name is Luca but you can call me Luca. I am writing this for myself, but I may publish it later on down the line.

I'm a 19-year old from North East England with autism. When writing this at first, I purposefully don't say I have autism because unfortunately for me, autism has become somewhat of an excuse, at least that was through my experience in secondary school. I have regrets with how I handled myself in the past regarding my autism, and I hate to ever bring it up.

Apparently I have high functioning autism, so I am able to think for myself but like everyone else (This is not just an autism exclusive thing), I have difficulties. Primarily, change.

So I have a fairly structured life, and after I left college, I have been wondering how my life is going to change. Since I left, I have been working with a few people in recent weeks to get a job, so that is obviously a good thing, but what I am worried about is how my life is going to go afterwards.

Right now, I have a fairly relaxed routine in my life. I have a chilled orange Lucozade on a morning, I play a lot on my PS4 with my friends, I hang out with my childhood best mate Matthew occasionally and I see many movies. I've said this before, I am grateful for what I have and never want to take too much, I seek to give back to the world.

But with giving back, will mean change, and I rarely react well to change. Not that I don't want to, I really do but when I consider a lot of things before they happen, the possibilities do overwhelm me.

The reason that prompted me to write this, there's this absolutely lovely lady I know. We aren't close, infact we only really speak when we had the chance briefly back in college but every time I would see her out and about, she would smile the bonniest smile at me and wave, and I'd reciprocate however I knew I could.

I have been encouraged by a dear friend to talk to her, but I am discouraged not only by the fact that we barely know each other, but by what would lie ahead as far as relationships go should I pursue one with her. It's a scary thought, and perhaps an unnecessary one since nobody should fear for that the second they start thinking about talking to a girl they like, but the issue stems to more than that.

Back in December, I actually got into a relationship (Briefly) with a girl who said she liked me, and I liked her. We kissed, and we walked to our class together before she disappeared - I assume back to her friends - and broke up with me, and so that was the time that I was played, however that isn't important to my point.

In that brief quarter of an hour that I was in what I thought would end up being, my first proper in-real-life relationship, I did think a lot about how to be a good boyfriend. Up until that point, all my past partners had been over the phone, and I had the cushion of only really going to my phone to speak to them.

But this, a relationship with someone who I could interact with in the flesh on a seemingly daily basis was and as we know, still is such an alien thing for me. Very rarely do I really leave my house, and on the rare occasion that I do, I'm with my friend Matthew or other friends like Ash or Lauren etc.

So just to solidify my point, I rarely do new stuff, heck I don't even drink alcohol and I never really go to parties or big social events at all. The idea of being with someone who I'd care about, would open me up to so many possibilities that I know would be out of my comfort zone, it intrigues me but I do worry about change, about seeming like a hindrance to everyone around me because of my complete lack of adaptability.

What would someone see in me? A boring and introverted individual? What new possibilities are there in a relationship? How would I be a decent partner? So many questions.

It does not just stem into relationships. I recently left college and now I want to work, I do not feel in good conscience just sitting in my house all day playing GTA and Rocket League. But I do have reservations about first of all, how I do earn my job, I want to earn it and not get gifted it and knowing I won't be perceived as having earned it because I did not go to university.

Secondly, what will come of it? Interacting with co-workers, the public, my superiors, heck they're probably reading this and mocking me, but for all I care, they can do one the insensitive (Insert word here after my mum reads this).

But if I can help someone with the same problem, I feel I will have been justified in writing this. The necessity of knowing how to articulate what concerns you, the removal of a routine and the many possibilities of the road your life heads down can prompt you to ask these questions. This is beginning to sound more and more like a self help book, I have just noticed.

If there is one thing I hope I can tell you, it's that the people around you will surely care enough for you to acknowledge when you have difficulties. The biggest mistake I ever made was continued persisting and ignoring problems, letting my emotions build, and I have huge regrets from not taking action against things that bothered me.

After my final performance showcase with my Performing Arts group, it was an emotional time as we had been all together for two years. We had all grown so close, and as a final gesture, we were all asked to gather for a photo so I tried to slot myself in, but was pushed aside as if I was insignificant and in a rage, I walked off and I don't think anyone noticed. So if I see that photo on all my friend's social media, I regret that I never spoke up.

I really managed to begin feeling that way once I spoke to a dear friend, who was a part of our Performing Arts group for the first year.

For a few months, I was working with someone who was helping me out with my emotional issues. I'd say she was a psychologist but apparently it was some less fancy word that I can't remember, nevertheless after that time I noticed how I was very heavily dependent on myself to keep my issues from others, out of fear of making it seem like I was adding to their list of concerns.

This stemming from when I was in secondary school, I'd get personally involved with someone I considered a friend with their issues. It led to me becoming way too unhappy, worrying about their issues when really in most cases, I shouldn't have got myself too invested in their issues.

So this stemmed through to now, where I never like putting forward my emotions in any sense. But now, I need that more than ever, change is happening for me and I have the cushion of very helpful and loving people around me. So if you're ever going through change, have someone by your side, and if you don't, reach out to someone you know - not think - will support you.

Because if the incredible movie 'X+Y' ('A Brilliant Young Mind' in America) taught me anything, it is that if someone loves you, they see something in you, that they think is worth something. That - in my words - 'tolerating' you is not actually tolerating, if only you're willing to try then they will hold your hand.

If this has helped at least one person, I'll be happy.

So until we meet again,
Luca.